BeingSoda

If you are a dreamer..

Sunday 9 December 2012

Procrastination and hence derived rants.

 It's been a very long time since I felt like writing. There have always been words in  my head, spinning from memories, situations, descriptions, anything and everything. Sometimes I would put them down on paper. Sometimes I'd pull my phone and quickly save that one sentence that floated in my head and just resonated of power.Lately, the words have been scarce, fewer in between. Maybe it's because of the life I'm beginning to lead, so devoid of creative expression, of the joy of a beautifully written poem, the discovery of meanings within words, of songs that struck a chord.
  Learning medicine a magic in itself, but it's a dry sort of magic so far, because it's only magical when you actually begin to apply the science to living breathing people.
  Before I begin to write, there are dozens of half formed ideas and words that swirl around in my head but which all vanish as soon as the page is opened and the blank canvas, so to speak, is facing me. So I just begin to write, haphazard, mercy to the whim of the words that come pouring out of me as they will.
An idea will form, and I will follow it, born  and triggered by any random phrase that occurs. For instance, as I typed 'phrase' I realized how dependent I have become on technology to correct my spelling errors; my Android has Swype, which means that so long as I swish my fingers over the virtual keyboard in the general composition of a word, it will gather the information and present to me the words it thought I meant to type, or guesses wrong, and instead of typing the word out I just swish again hoping it will recognize what I was getting at.
   I could blame it on my system of schooling, where the computer lab was built in the year I passed tenth grade, and was available only for the Computer Science batch in twelfth grade; I was in the biology optional, far removed from the air conditioned comforts of the computer lab.  Hence my awkwardness with technology and typing; everyone who has seen me type finds it either hilarious or mortifying; I type like a awkward pianist searching for the next note by the score, on the keys.
However, I know a great deal of people with the same schooling that I have had who are not remotely as technologically challenged as I am, so it must be defective equipment somewhere in my brain; as far as I know they haven't identified the areas for technology, and therefore I don't know why my Broca's area, normally quite above average, should trip over itself and fumble simple spelling when faced with typing. Perhaps I will have to revisit Preparatory class and learn typing in the same manner I learn to write, painstakingly tracing the letters over and over again under the watchful gaze of my mother who would snap if I curved the small "a" wrong.
For another instance as I wrote the phrase 'song which struck a chord' it, well, struck me that I have an odd taste in music. I dislike the Beatles; I find most of their music a tad creepy and well, unpolished; I don't quite know how to put it. I had to make myself listen to their songs over and over until I finally began to appreciate it; I still won't voluntarily listen to a Beatles song, and there aren't any on my playlist anymore; I deleted the few that had found their way in after a relationship with a head over heels Beatles's fan, because I realized that I just wasn't listening to them anymore after the initial few times I had made myself listen to sort of acclimatize myself to their sound. I don't like much of the old music that most people swear by; The Doors, Pink Floyd. I didn't feel moved by their music.
 I'll admit I don't know much about music, despite learning the piano for a longer time than I'll admit, because everyone especially random family members expect you to jump at the nearest keyboard you see and belt out some flawless Mozart and Beethoven and when you say you don't really know the accompaniments to any desi song they know, they just look at you in a such way that causes you to call into question all those years of slogging away at the keys. All that learning to perfect a trill so it seamlessly blends into the next note. No one seems to understand that performing for any audience takes some kind of preparatory effort beforehand; in their eyes anyone who's been learning that long should have half a dozen pieces up their sleeve ready to be called out at a moment's notice.
I digress. As to music, I have difficulty appreciating the type of music that evokes fans en masse; I find Enrique's lyrics mindless and Barbie-dollish, though I wholly appreciate the man's looks! I find rap harsh and very few appeal to me. I balk at artists whose music starts sounding the same after the first few good albums.(Taylor Swift, ahem ahem) I understand that a lot of them put a great deal of effort into their music( not all of them do) and I respect the effort. Also, being a tiny bit of a snob, I involuntarily turn my nose up at  mainstream artists that anyone and everyone likes without even knowing some of the really great music out there, who say they love rock, and listen to Greenday.
Hence I don't understand the concept of a favorite artist; artists aren't perfect and if there are some songs that are great, there are some that fall flat. I have a great many songs that I love; but I barely listen to any of the other songs produced by the same artist.
This was a general rave for the purpose of procrastinating the great deal of donkey work that anticipates;
medical students have to spend a major part of their lives doing a lot of completely pointless copying out, in beautiful handwriting, pages and pages of journal work from a tiny cellphone screen.
 Or run around hunting for the manna from heaven that is a completed journal which can be copied from before it's time for the practical. I could write an entire post on journal work and how it gets done, or not. So forgive the typos and grammatical mistakes; I shall probably get around to correcting them someday and in the process attempt to wean myself from depending too heavily on Swype and autocorrect. My non existent readers, please keep in mind I am a unnecessarily stressed, creatively deprived medical student and kindly attribute the inanity of my post to my current lack of a life. Thank you.

Saturday 28 July 2012

Hiding my heart

Like everything I've ever known. You disappear one day. And I've spent my whole life hiding my heart away.
They said such terrible things about you. I didn't want to believe them. I wanted to believe that you had a little person hidden away inside that would fit with me. I wish I could've been close to you. I wish I could've known you better. Always wanting more, scared of taking it. Your world was so different. I felt like we had no chance together. And I was probably right. I found a boy who is perfect for me. I thought I had forgotten  that little ache. 
And one day so many things happened. Little things. That brought you back. And I guess I should get used to the fact that always, whatever happens, there's going to be that little question in my head.
What if.

Monday 18 June 2012

Rain

It has rained today.
   The air smells fresh.
   I loved the rains as a child. I reveled in the first shower of the season .
Ran up to my friend's terrace,out into the courtyard, into the balcony,leaned out the window, all for the joy of touching the water that descended from the sky above. 
It seemed like magic to me. I laughed at the joy of raindrops splashing onto my upturned face, trying to catch one in my mouth. I loved the freshness of the colours of the leaves and flowers around, washed clean of the gritty dust they would be usually covered in.
I loved the cool, clean taste of the air after the hot,humid, blazing stillness that precedes a shower. I jumped wholeheartedly into puddles that formed in our school, my courtyard, much to the disgust of other, more dignified persons.
    The perfume of wet earth after the first shower is yet to me the best perfume in the world. I would sniff and sniff like an enthusiastic puppy, trying to drink in as much of the smell as I could. The world is a wondrous place when you are new to it.
     I remember a particularly eventful day when some school friends and I once got caught in a downpour. We had only one umbrella between six of us. Splashing through puddles, running for shelter, trying to shop for jeans in a half soaked state, worrying about dripping all over the shop floor and walking out without buying anything in the end. It still makes me laugh when I think back to it.   
    For the past two years, I've been mostly worried about how much acid the first rain would contain,how the water would ruin my hair, the general state the roads will get into,the annoyance of having to carry a raincoat or an umbrella every where. 
Sunny summer days suddenly start seeming appealing - I'm used to the heat by now, atleast it doesn't turn the roads into a mess! I've been so busy complaining that I've learnt to forget how I loved the rains. I've noticed that whenever I start complaining about something, little by little, I learn to forget the things I appreciate about it. And one day only the complaints remain and the beauty of that something lies forgotten in a dusty recess of my mind. So its about time I stopped, and laughed again at the joy of raindrops splashing onto my face, leaning out of a train, watching the freshly laundered countryside rush by.  
The roads will remain messy; but the air will still be cooler,the leaves of the laburnum a delightful lime green,its flowers a soft, glowing, golden. The rain splashing onto my face will still be magical,a gift from the heavens. It is good to remember to see the world through a child's eyes once in a while.

Sunday 17 June 2012

Anger

So easy to get angry. So easy to get upset. So easy to blame. So ridiculously easy to hurt someone else in your anger. So easy to judge. Why is it so hard to be calm?

Friday 11 May 2012

River

I sit by a mighty river, born of glaciers far above. The hills rise around me cloaked in pine and fir. The very air has spirit, crisp, invigorating, filling me with an emotion I cannot describe. The river crashes and tumbles through rapids downstream,that churn its blue green waters into white foam. And then it calms down, becoming idyllic, a peaceful mass of turquoise and lapis lazuli. Cliffs rise around it far ahead, blocks of mountain eroded by the river. Her banks are a sheet of soft white sands that catch the sun and sparkle. I step onto the rocks by her edge, warmed by the sun, watching her flow by me. Once, I rafted in this river. I drop a leaf, the color of sunset into her waters and watch it being carried away.
Beyond rise the mountains that gave birth to her, their summits cloaked in snow.
As she flows she will come to civilization. And her waters will no more be pure.
 I think of another river, so large, so expansive that you might mistake her for a lake.So deep that she bore dolphins. Her waters were the purest, and she was worshiped for it, believed to cleanse the sins of whoever bathed in her. But then there came a time that she was given impurity beyond her capacity to cleanse. Her worship turned into a curse for her. She is yet revered. Her powers prevent her from becoming like the rivers of my city, so bogged down by human decadence that they can barely be called rivers anymore.

Wednesday 9 May 2012

Michael Meets Mozart - 1 Piano, 2 Guys, 100 Cello Tracks - The Piano Guys



Tomorrow is always a better day. And nothing can make me cheer up like ThePianoGuys. I aspire to be as good someday. *sigh* 
Have you had those days where you just can't seem to get out of a bad mood? Music is my way of getting out of it. Music and sleep.

Monday 7 May 2012

Communicators

So, I've been thinking.  All around me people are doing awesome things with their lives. While sit at home and read about muscles and nerves and arteries. Which, I suppose, will help me do awesome things later on in life, but I want to do something now. Later on, a lot of people will be doing the same awesome thing I am doing. The others will have proceeded.
Kids my age are brilliant photographers( I think it's quite the 'in'thing to be a dedicated photographer these days) when I lost the only camera I had half a year ago and rely on my phone's ( and my) crappy photograph taking abilities.
Friends are getting published and paid for it.
Being wonderful musicians, for their age.
Brilliant speakers who can debate me out of anything.
Above all they're good communicators. 
So I'm going to do my best to be one.
Starting with, a blog post everyday.

Sunday 26 February 2012

Hymn to Isis


For I am the first and the last
I am the venerated and the despised
I am the prostitute and the saint
I am the wife and the virgin
I am the mother and the daughter
I am the arms of my mother
I am barren and my children are many
I am the married woman and the spinster
I am the woman who gives birth and she who never procreated
I am the consolation for the pain of birth
I am the wife and the husband
And it was my man who created me
I am the mother of my father
I am the sister of my husband
And he is my rejected son
Always respect me
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one
discovered in Nag Hammadi, 1947

Saturday 25 February 2012

Resolutions

It's been a long time since I last posted. Last week has been a haze of depression, tiredness, and alcohol.Alright, maybe I made that sound more melodramatic than it actually was was. A lot of the depression was from hormones. Or the lack of them. And the alcohol was just two nights, which were good times with good friends.
But I wasn't kidding about the tired bit. Not so much physically as mentally. Just as I feel like I'm settling, like I'm getting better at dealing with life. I get knocked down again. Usually, it's something minor. I end up taking it to heart and and suddenly, there I am on my knees again. I keep trying, but somehow it''s never enough for myself.
One good thing about the week? I've learnt to face myself. Learnt to understand what I am doing wrong. Got out of my comfort zone. Now comes getting around it.
 I have this tendency to judge myself about everything. I end up being my own worst critic. Imagine if you had a person in your head all the time constantly judging every action you take. Yeah, it sucks. Another problem with being this way is that when I do make mistakes, instead of accepting the mistake, I end up blaming someone else, or denying I made the mistake or trying to push it out of my head. Because if I accept the mistake, I will beat myself up black and blue. Mistakes are made to learn from;and there is no such thing a problem without a gift in its hands. I lose the gift, and make the mistake.
New year's resolution, go easier on myself. Today when I was beating myself up over the fact that I had forgotten to pick up some things I needed today, my best friend told me to calm down. My world wasn't going to fall apart if didn't get everything done in a day. I don't have to be perfect all the time, because it's impossible. People make mistakes. It's only human.And guess what, my world didn't fall apart. I cancelled music lessons, didn't get yelled at, got the rest I really needed, spent some quality time with myself ,caught up with a few old friends and ate chocolate.
My own personal peace of mind should, sometimes, take precedence over everything else. 

Saturday 14 January 2012

Beginnings

It is a Sunday afternoon the day I begin to work on my blog. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time. And I am almost surprised at how easy it is. 
Outside it is cold and the tips of my fingers and toes feel the chill. Today is Makar Sankranti, the day the Sun passes into Capricorn. The days will grow longer from on now and hopefully the nights will grow warmer. It is queer, how when I am going about Life in general, there are so many words float into my head, but when I sit down, and try to put them on paper or print, they float back out and none suggest themselves to me. 
I want  this blog to be a place people can find bits of themselves in, because I am a collage of so many different moods, temperaments and colors. Everyone is. So this first post shall be a collage. Apologies to those who would take offense at the scattering of thoughts and ideas. That is often how my head works.
I want this blog to be a place for people to lose themselves in. There is nothing quite so delightful as losing yourself in another world built up of words crafted and woven together well. It is a delight to weave words too. I have often re read my old diaries to find the girl that once was, the one that still is and the one that may be in the future.
I want this blog to be a place of repose and of inspiration. A place of the joys and sorrows of everyday life. Of finding myself, and also of creating myself.
"Where the mind is without fear, and the head is held high.
....Where words come out of the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection."
Tagore is one of my favorite poets. 
I am learning to let go of fear.